when i just want to do big things

What is the purpose of life?

What do I want to be known for?

What will people say about me when I die?

The profound, philosophical questions of life.  The ones that stop us in our tracks.  They cause us to second guess our next steps.  To look behind to find wisdom for what is ahead.

I find myself wrapped up in the culture screaming "BIG".

I want to do something BIG.  I want to be something BIG.  I want BIG accomplishments on my resume.  I want people to talk about all the BIG stuff I've done.  The BIG amounts that I spent on the good of the world.  Money, time, whatever.  

I just want to be BIG!

....and then I stop...

Why do I want to be big?

I argue: "Well, God is glorified when I do big stuff!  It makes people notice how big HE is!"

Then, a still *small* voice reminds me that...I don't need to remind people how big He is.  He's already big.  And people know it.  And He doesn't need me to prove it.

So why?  

It would seem to me, that my generation has been brought up on the idea to do big things for God.  To dream big, to pursue big, to work hard, to accomplish grandiose.

I found pride in this idea.  Listening to the S. M. Davis talk, "What to Expect from a 12-Year-Old" at the tender age of 12, I found myself cheering and whooping.  

It's about time people stopped underestimating us!  I'm gonna blow their minds.

I stoked my pride as I pushed and shoved and worked and read and studied and worked and read and...

Soon, I found myself lost.

I stood on the brink of adulthood, with no vision or dream.  But I wanted one so badly!  

What's wrong, Lord?  You know that if you give me a vision, nothing can stop me from getting it done!  Nothing!  Why haven't you given me a calling or a dream?  Why don't I have something big to work towards?  How do You expect me to change the world if You don't tell me what to do?

So I took it into my own hands.  I kept working and reading and studying.  Hoping the answers would come.  My pride kept driving me.  One day, I'll do something big and make God proud.

I failed to realize.

He's already proud of me.

I found myself standing face to face with what I felt was my boring, mundane life.

The one where I wake up every morning and put a load of laundry in before I start the coffee.

The one where my routine is that of learning how to roll with not having much of one.

The one where I go to work to smile at people and help them with their crafty needs.

The one where I read late into the night.  Or stay up late with my sisters, watching old TV shows, eating popcorn and sour gummy bears.

The one where I have unfinished craft projects every where...but the most important ones always get done.

The one where I love on my brothers and sisters, planting kisses on their foreheads and cheeks as we pass in the hall.

My life.  My simple, boring, mundane, beautiful life.

You see, my beloved reader, what I missed was the very essence of what I thought I was working so hard for from the beginning:

Grace.

By grace I have been saved.  By grace do I breathe.  By grace do I worship.  By grace do I live this life I've been given.

I am nothing.  If it weren't for Him.

It's only because of Him that I can even wake up in the morning, much less do anything!  

I stop, I bow my head.  My pride failing.

What makes me think that I am so worthy to do big things for Him?  What makes me think that I have anything to give Him?  Why do I think I deserve a place to do anything 'bigger' or 'better' than to live this seemingly boring life?

I don't.

Besides, who am I to determine what is small or big?  

My calling is to be faithful.  Stop looking for the big things.  To stop shoving.  To stop trying.

To wake up in the morning and smile as I pour soap into the washing machine.  Faithful.  This is where He has me.  This is my obedience.  This is my joy.

This is His glory manifested in me.

He doesn't need my help being glorified to the world.  

If He chooses to use me in the spotlight, doing 'big things, that's up to Him.  But if He wants me behind the scenes, cleaning everybody's laundry, cooking the meals, cleaning the bathrooms, it is still a position more worthy than I deserve.

Does this mean that we should stop dreaming of 'big' things?  That we should stop working towards doing grand things for His glory?

By no means!  But don't be discouraged if you don't have a dream right now.  Don't be sorry if you aren't making a 'big' impact on the world right now.  Don't be afraid that you're disappointing God by not doing something 'great'.

Be faithful in where He has you right now and leave the rest up to Him.

"He must increase, but I must decrease."
~John 3:30

may the 4th be with you

Hello, my lovely readers!

Just wanted to let you know that, in celebration of today, May the 4th, also known as Star Wars day, I have a series of giveaways going on over at my online mag, Beloved Girl!

//may the 4th giveaway//

Check it out and enter for a chance to win one of these gorgeous prizes:

(PicMeAlways Designs giveaway)

(86 level st design giveaway)

(nerdy girl gifts giveaway)

...and more! ;)

Check out the giveaways HERE!

Or, check out each of them individually:

//fictional & whimsical giveaway//

//PicMeAlways Designs giveaway//

//nerdy girl gifts giveaway//

//crystal trends designs giveaway//

//86 level st design giveaway//

the real meaning of 'carpe diem'

I write lists.

I make check boxes.

I schedule.

I watch the clock.

I squeeze every moment.

I fill the day.

And I look up at the end.  What have I done?  I am tired and dry.  My brain hurts.  My mind in knots.  I am useless by the time the sun sets.  I've filled my day with stuff.

I forget to breathe.

I'm folding laundry, I slow down and think.  Look down at the hand-towel in my hands.  I take a deep breath.  God gave that to me.  I smile and breathe again.  I look up and see life slow.  

This is a day.  This is an hour.  This is a moment.

This is a gift.  

I close my eyes and let it fill me.  Let it run over me as I contemplate the holiness, the beauty, the sacred grace of my heartbeat.  This 24 hour cycle in which we humans craft our lives, each one is new, a snapshot in the midst of eternity.  

Seize the day.  Live every day as it is your last.

I misunderstood and thought it meant to do all that you could in the day.

I thought it meant utilizing every moment for 'getting stuff done'.

I was blinded by the lie of rushing, scurrying to prove oneself as worthy through accomplishment.

When all it really meant was live.

Breathe.  

Touch.  Smell.  Taste.  See.  Hear.

The goodness of the Lord.  

Every day is a grace, not another assignment.

It is a gift to be cherished, not to be used up.

When the last comes and you look back...what will you remember?

I'm slowly learning to stop filling the day with my own ideas.

I'm learning to breathe.  And let the day fill me with its graces.  

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.  
//James 1:17//

the keeper

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

He who keeps you will not slumber... 

Psalm 121:1-2  

Sometimes I wonder where God is.  Those dry seasons come.  You know the ones: the dark, scary seasons.  The kind where you wonder if everything really is going to be okay.  Well?  Is it?

The words of this Psalm wash over my heart as I contemplate. 

"He who keeps you..."

The realization comes slowly and settles deep: He is my keeper.

He holds me in His hands.  

Through all the seasons.

Every dark season has to get through His glowing hands to get to me.

Every lonely time, it's in His heavenly embrace I'm walking through.

When I don't think it's going to turn out okay, He knows the end from the beginning.

He is my keeper.

No wonder I am commanded to rejoice always!  He is holding me, through everything.  Nothing can get through His hands without His permission.  No pain is unnecessary.  

And the best part: He loves me.

He loves me and protects me.  There is nothing I go through that He has not foreseen.  

There is no battle I face that He has not given me the strength to win.

There is no hurt that I can have that He can't heal.

There is no mountain I can't climb, because He will show me the way.

And keep my feet from stumbling.

He is my keeper.

And He loves me.

giveaway on Beloved Girl

Hello, all!  

Guess what? I'm having a surprise giveaway over at Beloved Girl Mag through April 16! 

(Hint, the prize has something to do with coffee ;) )

Check it out and enter NOW!

beloved girl online magazine

So I've been working on a project lately...

//link//

You got it!  An online magazine for Christian teen girls.

Beloved Girl Mag will feature faith-based articles to provide encouragement, as well as practical articles on all the things girls love: fashion, beauty, health, movies, books, and more!

I would be much obliged if you would check it out, feel free to like it on Facebook!

(Oh, and here's a hint--be on the lookout for some awesome new giveaways on the site!)

like stars

I find myself asking the age old question.  

The cliche word that seems to be married to a question mark, so often he finds himself with her.  

The one-word sentence that has it's own universal sign language.

A fist.  In the air.  Shaking.

"Why?"

Then the rest spills out.  

"Why did You let this happen?"

I can't help it.  My heart aches.  I wonder.  I hurt.  I look for the redemption and come up empty.

It's dark.  It's just so dark.

I grope.  I cry.  I flail.  

Until I see a pin hole of light.  Oh, that glorious light.  I cradle it in the darkness. 

Like the stars in the night sky that shine all the brighter for the backdrop of blackness behind them, so the simple blessings of my life are radiant against the backdrop of my pain.

The Lord is faithful, like He always is.  As He shows up, His glory shines, magnifies, multiplies against the inky blackness of this hurt.  I treasure the pinholes that He makes, by His grace alone, in this thick blanket of darkness over me.  

He could have left me here, struggling to survive.  It would have been well within His rights.

But He didn't.  

But He also didn't take the darkness away from me.  He didn't remove it all from me. 

Is this why I ask "why"?

I begin to understand; He knows better.  He knows my heart.

He knows I need the darkness to see the Light.  

"And its funny how you find

You enjoy your life

When you're happy to be alive"

~Relient K, High of 75 from the album Mmhmm