arrived?

Driving through my little neighborhood development, I stopped at the stop sign and looked both ways.  Oh, no.  A cop was at the stop sign the next street over, just waiting to bust somebody.  I knew it would be me...for something.  You see, I've been pulled over twice-- BOTH times in my own neighborhood.  And, you'll understand my paranoia based on the fact that the first time I was pulled over, it was because the cop thought that I wasn't wearing a seat belt...but I was.  Let's just say Little Town PD is bored.

Anyway, so here I was, paranoid because I hadn't come to a complete stay-at-the-stop-sign-for-a-full-ten-seconds-until-the-whole-car-jerks-because-your-wheels-have-stopped-turning stop (which is no big deal in the major world of driving, but to Little Town PD could be considered a terrible offense), since I noticed the cop after I had already started turning. Ugh!  I continued to drive, making my way out to the main drag of the development (driving EXACTLY 20 mph)...and he wasn't following me.  Hmm.  Next thing I knew, he was riding my tail. (He would have to have sped to catch up with me for how far I came without him following me.  Just sayin'.)  Ugh!  No, no, no!  I was frustrated.  I can't get a ticket!  I can't afford it.  My parents can't afford our insurance going up...ugh!  I was venting my feelings at my sister in the front seat. as the cop continued to ride me without turning on his lights.  "Why doesn't he just turn his lights on and get it over with???" My sister tried to soothe me, "Amy, you didn't do anything wrong.  He's not turning his lights on because he's not going to pull you over."  (Consequently, she was in the vehicle with me both times that I got pulled over, so she knows the boredom as well as I do--but since her record and bank account weren't at risk, was not nervous or paranoid like me.)  Ah, the voice of reason.  But that didn't stop me from my frantic glances in the rear view mirror.

All that to say, I did not get pulled over. Having committed no offense, that's not a big surprise.

I made a prejudgment about the cop before I had any sort of interaction with him to judge how to respond.  I automatically assumed that all cops are the same, that they are all bored, waiting to bust somebody for some petty offense.  That they enjoy ticketing people, that they like to watch me squirm over nothingness.  

I went to a Leeland concert at a church about a week ago.  Lines of kids and teens laughed loudly, pushed and shoved each other obnoxiously, waiting for the doors to be opened to get into the concert.  Some started chanting, "Let us in!  Let us in!" I just rolled my eyes and felt old.  (Yeah, almost 20--surrounded by junior highschoolers...) When I got up to the door with my conservative looking entourage we were greeted by the youth leader.

I observed him as he informed me of the concert situation...  He had shaggy, longish hair, a beard, two nose rings, tattoos on both arms, and tight denim shorts.  And he wasn't the only one.  Everywhere I looked there were adults with piercings, and covered in tattoos...many of them Christian tattoos.  I felt awkward and out of place. (Well, until the music started :P)

I prejudged them all.  

Poor dears, they haven't been informed yet.  

Oh, poor thing.  He's going to regret those tattoos once he's convicted.

Poor girl in that miniskirt!  She hasn't arrived yet.  Doesn't she realize it's not attractive anyway?

Wow.  Instead of seeing past the outside, instead of judging according to word and deed, I prejudged them based on their physical appearances.  And what's worse: I assumed that I had arrived.  That God had "enlightened" me, and that they had simply not "gotten there yet".  Ouch.  If that's not convicting, I don't know what is.

I was smug and skeptical as the youth leader got up on stage and preached Jesus.  And the opening band, lead guitarist covered in tattoos, proclaimed His name.

What was I thinking?  Anyone who preaches Christ and Christ crucified, and the cleansing power of His blood is my brother or sister--regardless of how many tattoos or piercings cover their body.  It's not my job to prejudge appearances!

My dad reminded me, "These are people that we will be shoulder to shoulder with in heaven crying, 'Holy!'  Dare we judge them because they are different from us?"

Sure, God has convicted my family of certain things.  We have our standards of the way that we believe that God would have us to live.  But when we get to the point where we want to throw our convictions and standards at everyone else and expect them to comply, or else they're not saved, is a dangerous position.

"For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith." ~Romans 12:3

"But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ."  ~Romans 14:10

My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality. For if there should come into your assembly a man with gold rings, in fine apparel, and there should also come in a poor man in filthy clothes, and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes and say to him, “You sit here in a good place,” and say to the poor man, “You stand there,” or, “Sit here at my footstool,” have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?

Listen, my beloved brethren: Has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him? But you have dishonored the poor man. Do not the rich oppress you and drag you into the courts? Do they not blaspheme that noble name by which you are called?

If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you do well; but if you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all. For He who said, “Do not commit adultery,” also said, “Do not murder.” Now if you do not commit adultery, but you do murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. So speak and so do as those who will be judged by the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.  ~James 2:1-13 (NKJV)

Do you think that James was merely talking about the monetarily rich or poor here?  Could it be that he could also be referring to the spiritually rich and poor as well?

It is God's job to convict, it's my job to love.  Is there a time that we may need to rebuke a brother or a sister in Christ on something? Absolutely.  But each situation is to be handled carefully, correctly applying the concept of Matthew 18, and should be addressing a direct offense against the objective Word of God.

None of us have arrived.  I will continue to be sanctified until the day that I reach the pearly gates.  I have so much yet to learn, to be convicted of, to raise the standards of, to continue to be refined in the way of holiness in Jesus Christ.  How dare I try to "fix" those around me by forcing them to comply to the little that I know, when God is already at work in them?  God has called me to love the brethren and leave the refining up to Him.

grace

Grace.

Just when I think I have it all figured out.  Just when I think I'm beginning to understand.  That word rocks my world.

It all started early one morning, October 27, 1996.  I thought I was destined to be the only child; the only love of my parents' life.  I had all my plans; yes, at almost 3 years old, I had it all figured out... til Grace showed up.

At the hospital, Daddy placed the bundle of pink into my arms.  I looked down at the little face, my arms full.  "Kiss her nose."  Daddy prompted me.  I bent over and kissed her nose; how tiny, how soft it was!  Maybe this change of plans was okay, maybe this was better than my plans...hmm...

As the years went by, she moved into my room, she learned to walk, she learned to talk, she giggled, she played.  I, being 3 years the elder, we weren't ever in the same stage of childhood.  While she was still toddling, I was reading chapter books.  When she was learning to read, I was baking in the kitchen.  

For a while, we were distant; we had a bit of hard time connecting.  It may have also had something to do with the fact that we're opposites.  She did her thing, I did mine.   I'd color in the lines, she'd create a whole creative new picture by coloring oustside the lines.  I'd be reading, she'd be playing outside.  I'd be writing, she'd be drawing.  I'd want to watch Cinderella, she wanted Feival Goes West. But as we grew older, time drew us closer.  We became best friends.  And, because of our differences, she began to teach me about her name, even though she didn't realize it. 

She taught me to laugh at myself; to not take everything so seriously.

She taught me that it's okay to talk about it.

She taught me that it's okay to be your own self; to think outside the box.

She taught me to make friends anywhere.

His plans are always better than mine.

Grace. The free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. (As defined by the infamous Google)

As my binary and type A personality cannot fathom, grace is unmerited, free, and freeing.  Liberty in Jesus, no longer a slave to the traditions, the expectations of men.  No longer under the law, no longer under bondage to sin.  Freedom!  To laugh.  To cry.  To talk about it.  To be the person God created me to be, not who the world expects me to be.  To tell others about this gift.

Just when I think I have it figured out.  When I think I know what I have to do.  Grace shows up, and He just smiles.

(Yes, note the tiara, ladies and gentlemen.)

Hannah Grace,

You are my best friend.  Don't let anybody tell you otherwise; you are my bestie.  Thank you for being born on this day, October 26, 17 years ago.  Thank you for everything that you have taught me over the years.  Thank you for listening to my ramblings, for sympathizing with my tears, for dealing with my petty emotions, for just being there when I need somebody to talk to.  You have taught me about grace, God's most mind-blowing gift to mankind.  I love you, Princess.  Happy Birthday ;)

~Amy

a kiss

4am.  I wake to Tenth Avenue North, rocking next to my bed through my cell phone speaker.  Slide my finger across the screen to silence the music, and stumble...er, roll, rather, out of the bottom bed of the triple bunk.  Stumble to the kitchen; mindlessly start the coffee, and as that precious liquid starts to brew I step out into the garage and rev the engine of the grainmill.  Thus starts a typical Thursday, the day of the Farmer's Market.

So why am I writing about it?  If it has been such a typical morning, why would I bother to draw any attention to it?

I was adding flour to a batch of cinnamon swirl; the bosch mixer going round and round...that's when I felt it.  A kiss.  It came in the form of a subtle, gentle, and cool breeze.  It brushed my cheeks, caressed my forehead, kissed my lips.  I looked up.  Where did that come from?  From inside the house?!?  Then I saw.  My dad had just opened the front door. 

Here I am now.  Still in my pajamas, I confess, but I didn't want to lose my excitement befrore writing it out.  It's been in the upper 80s and 90s here; humid, stifling...  But as I write this out, I am sitting in the lazy boy next to the open sliding glass door.  I feet the warmth of the sun's beams on my feet, the cool breeze on my face.  Since we moved down south when I was about eleven, I miss more of the cool weather--my memories of fall are my fondest.  Raking Leaves, jumping into piles.  Collecting leaves, marveling at the color.

This morning, when that drift kissed my face, it all came back.

That first breeze of fall brought a gentle whisper,

Do you love it, Beloved?

great is Thy faithfulness

My head is bowed.  What next, Lord?

I see His hand, stretched out.  "Trust Me."

God, it's so hard!  I'm afraid.

"Trust Me." The hand does not waver.

I look up and see love personified.

"I will never leave You.  I love you."

My hand quivers...until it comes to rest in His.

You have always done as You have promised.

You have always been there; You've never left me.

You are faithful.

Jesus, I'll trust You.

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;

there is no shadow of turning with thee;

thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;

as thou hast been thou forever will be.

Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

all I have needed thy hand hath provided;

great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,

sun, moon and stars in their courses above

join with all nature in manifold witness

to thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. 

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth

thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! 

I have been listening to this song recently, my favorite rendition by Chris Rice; pure guitar, violin and vocals, peaceful and worshipful.  It is such a beautiful reminder to me, as I navigate these treacherous waters of life that He is faithful.  When I am tempted to take control, to try to manipulate situations, relationships, decisions or whatever, I am reminded that He has promised that He will take care of me.  And He always does what He promises.  He is faithful; He promises that He will make my path straight if I trust in Him.  He will give me the desires of my heart IF I delight myself in Him.  If I commit my way to Him, my plans will be established.

Many times I find that by trusting in Him, delighting in Him, and committing my way to Him, I begin to focus on His way, His desires--and they in turn become my own.  Sometimes, though, it's hard to let go.  But that's when I remind myself of His promises, and that He is faithful to do that which He has promised.  That He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it...even if it hurts, I know that He knows what is best for me, and best for His kingdom; I will rest in that.

I love porch swings

When I was little, I used to feel like the best use of a journal was to vent your feelings of frustration and agony.  So that's what I would do.   When I was ten years old, and I was frustrated or angry, or better yet--I'd be sent to my room for having an attitude, I would pull out my journal and vent. 

I later read pieces of my journals from those years and shivered.  I do not want to remember my life like this! So I determined to write about the good.  Until I changed my journaling style from "Dear Diary" to "Dear God", and I found myself slipping back.  For some reason, I had no problem complaining to God and venting to Him!  (My excuses were named Job, David, Moses, etc) I found that everyday, when I sat down for my quiet time I would scribble out feelings of frustration, emotional ramblings, cries for help, wisdom, peace!  I don't think it's wrong to write these things in one's journal, but I don't think that it's a healthy everyday occurrence.

I wondered why I felt so lousy, why did it seem that my whole life was just consumed by confusion, chaos, confliction?  Why did I revert to complaining, to constantly crying out for peace?

Then, as I sat down to write in my journal one day, redundant words already forming in my hand, ready to be etched in ink, I stopped.  What was that?  It was a singular thought, a simple thought, that hit me out of nowhere: I love porch swings. What???  Where did that come from?

True, it was where I was sitting (the porch swing), with Bible in hand, journal in the other.  But right when I'm trying to get my daily dose of giving God my frustrations, why would a petty thought like that come to my mind?  But in that same second I realized that it wasn't petty at all.  In fact, I was the one being petty, with my senseless emotional ramblings.  

I love porch swings.  I had trained myself that quiet time was a time of reflection upon what I needed; what I didn't have and what I should ask God for.  I had programmed my mind to think of quiet time as simply a time of petition, to ask God to make this happen, to heal this person, to soften so and so's heart, to give me peace, to help me not be so uptight, to help me "get through this"... I failed to recognize what He had already give me!

Amy, what do you love? I love porch swings.

As I rock back and forth, it helps me to sort out my thoughts.  Several times have I rocked my baby brother Paul, patting his back, stroking his soft cheeks as he fell asleep on my chest.  Heartfelt conversations with my mom, thoughtful talks with my dad, secret confidences with my best friend, and best of all, my talks with Jesus, on that porch swing.   Where I drink coffee.  Where I go to ponder.  

I spent too much time dwelling on what I wanted and needed, and not enough time thanking God for the blessings that He had already been bestowing abundantly upon my head.  Was I blind?

No, I wasn't ungrateful, I wasn't blind.  But my perspective was off.  Again.

I was so focused on my problems.  Why "this" didn't feel right, why "this" bothered me, why "this" needed to change, I had put the focus back on myself.  Instead of stopping and taking a moment to glance around me, and to see His love for me in action.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." (Philippians 4:6 NASB)

The solution to finding peace and joy is in thanksgiving--not dwelling on my problems, what's wrong, what needs to change, but allowing all petitions to The Lord to flow through my thanksgiving and gratitude.  In my prayer and supplication, to make sure that along with my complaints and cries that my lips overflow with abundant praise and thanks.  I soon find that complaints are harder to voice when I'm occupied with the blessings surrounding.

What about my hopeful romance?  I thought we went over this already, right?  

Ha, that's the funny thing about love.  It's not always a feeling, an emotion.  It takes commitment, it takes work.  Sometimes you do things you don't feel like doing, like trying to be grateful for the mundane things of life.  But it's the times that you find it hardest to love that your love will grow stronger.  Romance isn't about emotional highs.  It's about love, through thick and thin, highs and lows.  No matter what.

God is not asking me Amy, what's wrong? because He already knows.  It's not wrong for me to talk to Him about it, but He would rather hear to answer to this:

Beloved, what do you love?

Well, I love porch swings.

I love waking up when it's dark, and the sun rises around me.

I love coffee.

I love hearing the morning song of the birds.

I love it when the "verse of the day" on the Bible app just so happens to apply perfectly to my day.

Hearing a new song that perfectly captures my heart.

Golden sun showers.

Paul's gummy grin so quick to greet me.

...

 

The more I thank Him for what He has given me, my eyes grow eager to seek the beauty that He desires to share with me. I am surrounded by His love, if only my heart is open to receive.

What do you love?

a silver thread in the tapestry

I was about 13 years old when I gave myself completely over to Jesus; giving Him my life, giving Him my heart, my dreams, my everything.  What I hadn't fully comprehended was that those things weren't really ever mine in the first place...wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Everybody gets to a crossroads in life.  Whatever decisions this crossroads may present, it can be difficult to determine the Lord's will--especially if it seems to be a "neutral" situation in which either decision would be morally acceptable.  I've wrestled with more than one of these.  I've been confused, crying out to God, weighing out the pros and cons of both paths, trying to figure out which road would be the most profitable to trod.

A friend was recently relating to me about one such crossroads that he had come upon; he shared with me a thought that the Lord gave him that helped him to choose which road to take, that instead of asking, "What would be the best for me to glorify God?" taking into account his family, his talents, gifts, abilities, potential-- that he would ask, "What would be best for God?"

That was about a week ago. A couple days ago, my dad took me out for breakfast.  I had forgotten to even tell him about this, but it was brought to my remembrance when we were talking about the crossroads that I was looking down and he looked across the table from me, straight in the eyes, and said, "You need to ask yourself, 'What's best for God?'"

My perspective changed.

In my mind I saw my life--a tiny dot on the map as my perspective zoomed out until I saw the earth in it's entirety, suspended in seemingly eternal blackness and emptiness, yet bathed in a beam of golden radiance.  Rather than simply analyzing the few years that would span my life, I saw a glimpse of the Story of God that He's been writing before time began.

Instead of looking at how I can glorify God best in my life, ask how can God use this life that He has made to best glorify Himself?

In my past few years of "surrender" and "sacrifice", my perspective was off.

I thought that I was giving God my life, I thought I was surrendering my dreams to Him, my gifts--I failed to recognize that everything that I have was a gift from Him in the first place. Or if I did, I did not use it as the lens with which I viewed my future.  I thought it was my sacrifice, my act of worship.  I failed to realize, that it's my reasonable service of worship.

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor? Or who has first given to Him that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

~Romans 11:33-36, 12:1-2

Do you see it?  Everything comes from God, every gift, every talent, every opportunity, every ounce of potential that you have in your being, every breath that passes through your lungs, every drop of blood coursing through your veins, it is a result of God's unfathomable mercy upon you--His gifts to you, all things come from Him.  When surrendering this next breath, this next step of life, I'm just giving it back to Him.  Instead of asking how I could be used best for His kingdom, as though I have something to give Him, instead I fall down at His throne of grace, hands high, quaking in awe that He might use me to bring about His glory on the earth, by any means that He decides.

My life is but a snapshot, a glimpse, a vapor that makes up a tiny fragment of God's greater masterpiece; His story.  It is a gift that He has so graciously given me the power to do with as I please.  But if I'm willing to give it back to Him, and obey, He has the perfect place for it.

It's the golden brushstroke to portray the radiance of the sun, or maybe it's the grey one that He wants to use in the shading.  It's the perfect rhyming word in His song, the next step in His dance, the silver thread in His royal tapestry--I am a piece of His artistry!  My part is small, my part could seem insignificant; but my part and your part, and every one else that is willing to surrender to Him--all of us together, supporting each other's pieces, following the direction of the Divine Artist, will make up an eternal and heavenly masterpiece, to which nothing could ever compare.

Can God do without me?  Yes.  He doesn't need me.  He could easily find someone else.  I'm nothing special.  But He wants me.  He wants me.  He wants me to take part in His heavenly painting, His dance, His tapestry--His story.

It's just reasonable!  It just makes sense!  It's not some great act, not some magnificent feat that I would "allow" God to use me--it's simply reasonable, expected!  He desires me and He wants me to desire Him. He gave me this gift that I might respond by placing it back in His hands.  Because I love Him.

I have nothing to give Him but that which He has given to me.  

Jesus, all I have to give You is what You have already given me. 

Here am I; I'm Yours.  

Book Review: So Long, Insecurity {Teen Edition}

Hello, my dear readers!

I haven't reviewed any book recently, and when the opportunity to review this one came along I figured, "Why not?" I may be a little rusty, but I'll do my best!

So Long, Insecurity Teen Edition by Beth Moore is a magazine-style book filled with great tips, beautiful graphics, and ultimately the inspiring truth behind what makes a girl secure.  Each chapter contains a question with an answer by Beth based on various topics that relate to areas in which girls struggle with insecurity. Questions about fashion, guys, tough times, media, competition--Beth takes them head on, relating from her own experience and providing practical advice based on biblical principles.  Within each chapter there are statistics pertaining to how other girls feel, honest feedback from other girls about how they overcame their own struggles, a peek into a woman's life from the Bible that may have struggled in that area, and more.  There are also a couple of interviews from Kylie Bisutti (former Victoria's Secret model now sharing the truth of Jesus and encouraging girls in their inner beauty) and Tindell Baldwin (author of the book Popular: Boys, Booze, and Jesus).

I really enjoyed the strong, biblical foundation of the book in general.  Not only was the theme question of every chapter answered with scripture, but I also really liked the simple and concise practical application.  I also loved how sweet and relatable Beth's writing style was--her words felt like those of a big sister, wrapping her arm around you, whispering words of encouragement!  A great easy read with a sweet message of worth that every girl needs to hear.

I was a bit disappointed with some of the photos in the book, however--especially when discussing the topic of fashion.  At one point in the chapter, the book shows a picture of what not to wear, and what to wear instead.  These photos were not by any means pornographic or even extremely offensive, but it bothered me that there had to be photos there at all--why not just give a description?  And throughout the rest of the book there are small things like shorter skirts and some low shirts--nothing that I would worry about a young lady perusing through, but I wouldn't necessarily want my brother reading it. Another thing was there was a mild sense of coarseness in just a couple of words--nothing profane or outright offensive, but as I said, just a mild sense.  This book also mentions (in the profiles from woman of the Bible) topics that would be considered more for older young ladies (rape, etc.) when the book seems aimed more toward the younger teens (13-15), as well as topics that are more relatable for girls in the public schools.

All that to say, I still think that this was a fabulous book.  However, I do believe that it is written toward a specific audience of girls that are more out in the world by being in the public schools, or coming from non-Christian families, etc.  Girls that have been homeschooled for the majority of their lives and that have come from strong Christian families may have a harder time relating to some of the questions, stories, and topics that are discussed.

To conclude, I must say that I am so grateful for women like Beth Moore for taking on these issues that girls face on a day by day basis and reminding them of who they are in Christ--how that is where their security lies.  What a blessing to have those gone before!  I look forward to having So Long, Insecurity on my shelf to give to a young lady who can be blessed and encouraged; reminded that she is a daughter of the King!

Check out these links to find out more about So Long, Insecurity Teen Edition, or to see similar books:

•  www.tyndaleteens.com
• Twitter: www.twitter.com/securegirls
• Instagram: www.instagram.com/TyndaleTeens
• Buy the book HERE!

I received a hard copy of this book from Tyndale House Publishers in exchange for an honest review.  All opinions expressed are my own.