breathe {2015}

When the world seems so big.

I feel small.

These hands.  They're small. (Literally.)

This heart can only hold so much.

Seasons change.  The world turns 'round.

And I struggle and kick.  I want things to stay.

Breathe.  He whispers to me.

I fold my small hands that can only grasp so much.

I fall on these small knees that can only stride so far.

I bow this head that only thinks so much.

And close these eyes that can only see so far.

I can feel this heart thrum.

Beat.  Beat.  Beat.

Slow, steady, rhythm of heaven.

Beat.  Beat.  Beat.

This heart, can only hold so much love, dependent upon the Author of Love itself.

At His command, the core of my being jumps with joy at the life it brings.  Each leap, His order.  Each drop of blood that it stirs, life and love, racing through my veins.

I inhale.  I exhale.  I breathe His breath, from His very mouth.  The continuation of the first breath of life He breathed into Adam.  But Adam fell, and He had to make a way that we might keep His breath.

Now, every breath I take in is courtesy of the blood poured down from that hill.

Every breath I take in.  Every beat of my heart.  Grace.

I am often tempted to rush.  Efficiency is one of my favorite things.  But as I ponder the wonder of something so simple, oft taken for granted as a breath or a heartbeat, I realize that when I rush through life--I miss it.  I miss the simplicity of grace.  I turn around, I'm a few years older--and I may have gotten a couple of 'accomplishments' under my belt.  Have I thanked Him for the breath He gave me to do it?  Are they worthy of the gifts that He gave me for that moment?

My word of 2015 is breathe.

That I might not forget how I am ever dependent upon His grace for my very life, the very beating of my heart.  What am I doing with the thousands of breaths and beats that He graces me with every day?

...i must decrease

What drives you, what is your purpose, what is your reason for life?

What is your first thought when you wake up in the morning?  What motivates you to slide your finger across the alarm app on your phone, shutting it off, roll out of bed and stumble to the kitchen for a cup of coffee?  Why do you bother taking a shower, getting dressed, doing your hair?  Why clean the house, do your chores?

 What is your driving force?

I have always said that my goal and aim is to glorify God, advance His Kingdom, and share His good news with my life.  That sounds about right, it's the way that all Christians should be able to respond, right?  If Jesus Christ has saved us from our sin, and our future is to reign for eternity with Him in heaven, we should be overflowing with joy, wanting to spend every waking hour to tell others about Him, right?  Absolutely.  But when you dig down deep-- way deep, is that really what drives you-- personally?

Is your goal not only that He would increase, but also that you would decrease?

A couple of weeks ago, I heard this in the sermon at church.  The sermon was about examining yourself in the faith-- and one of the points was: is our heart's desire that He would increase, and we would decrease?

This hit me between the eyes.  I'd heard it a thousand times, but at that moment I felt like the wind was knocked out of me.  The concept of my blog is surrender to Jesus, all I've ever said was I want whatever I do to be done to bring glory to God and to make His name known.  But when I heard those words a couple of weeks ago, it cut me deeply-- I realized that I had a root of selfishness that had sprung up that I hadn't noticed long ago, and had failed to dig up when it started.  I realized that in my quest to glorify God, I didn't mind that in the course of doing "great things" that I would get some accolades too.  I thought that I was totally surrendered, and maybe I was in the beginning, but then satan crept in while I wasn't looking and sowed seeds of selfishness.  Instead of being totally sold out for Jesus, and willing to do anything for Him that He might increase and I might decrease, I, albeit unconsciously, was only interested in doing the stuff in which He would increase, and I could increase too.

I woke up in the morning thinking, "Let's do this thing!"  I was ready to tackle the world for Jesus, write inspiring blog posts, give talks, organize revivals, perform concerts and minister to soul-searching teens, proclaim His name from the housetops, climb the highest mountain for Him, swim the deepest ocean!  But singing at nursing homes and baking bread for the Farmer's Market, things that God was giving me to do-- seemed dull, boring, monotonous to me.  Worse, I was afraid that I would have to do those things for the rest of my life.  I didn't want to sing at nursing homes-- the people there can barely even hear me, how can they appreciate what I'm doing anyway?  Wouldn't my time be better spent ministering to people that can understand me?  I didn't want to make bread for the rest of my life-- is that all I'm good for, making bread?  It sounds like something anybody could do, don't I have better talents than that to glorify God?  I excused my selfishness with my "desire" to glorify God.  It grieves me now to think of it.

Sure, I was looking for Him to increase.  But I wasn't looking for me to decrease.  I wanted to be known, too.  This is an inherent weakness of humans, we want to feel worth something.  We want to feel needed, to have a purpose, and we like to hear it from as many people as possible.  I oftentimes find myself seeking the approval of man because I feel like I'll find the approval of God within it.  I had come to seek my parents' approval for what I did, thinking that by keeping them happy, I was pleasing God.  I had allowed it to become an end, instead of a byproduct of my desire to please God in my honor to my parents.  I wanted my parents to tell me what a great job I was doing, and how proud they were of me, instead of being content with the fact that God loves me, and He is pleased with me.

This is a lack of trust in God.  He has already told me that He loves me, that He wants me, but I'm too scared to let go and to be content in Him.  I want everybody to be happy with me, and to tell me that I'm worth something.

Jesus is the prime example.  God's beloved Son.  God proclaimed His love for Jesus publicly at Jesus' baptism.  Jesus knew that He was loved by His father-- He did not need the love of men.  "...although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:6-8) Jesus, God in the flesh, the only man to have ever walked the face of the earth to have deserved glory, not only endured the undue punishment, the physical excruciating pain of the cross, but He was shamed in the process.  Naked, hanging upon a tree, cursed of His Father, shamed by men, Jesus sacrificed everything, His body, His dignity, His spirit-- for the love of His Father, that He might be increased, that His plan might come to fruition, that you might be saved.

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

"...So this joy of mine has been made full. He must increase, but I must decrease." (John 3:30)

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:1-2)

"Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus," (Philippians 2:5)

What is one of the last things that Jesus did while here on the earth?  He lowered Himself to servanthood, literally, and washed the feet of His disciples.  He girded himself with a towel, lowered his head, and with holy hands, scrubbed the grime of sinners' feet.

"If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them." (John 13:14-17)

I read something recently from actor Peter Moreton in a Lamplighter Moment.  Mark Hamby was interviewing him, and asked him how young people might learn to become great actors like himself.  He replied, "First, you need to give up all desires of becoming a great actor. You need to devote yourself to your craft, not to desires to become great. Then, when opportunities present themselves, your primary goal is to lift up the actors around you. Your job as an actor is to accentuate the character of others. They are to increase while you decrease. If I play a servant, for example, and I'm in the presence of a king, my role is to communicate to the audience the character of the king by my humble attitudes and actions. The king will be known through me."

I leave you with this thought, my dear readers.  I have changed my focus, my quest, my drive.  

I must decrease, that through my servanthood my King might be known through me.

...for when I am weak {A Divine Mistake}

It had been a long day.  I was exhausted-- emotionally, physically; I just wanted to go home and go to bed.  I was done, done, DONE!  Then, well, that happened.

It was a Saturday.  My parents and Melody (14) had gone to the Saturday Farmer's Market to sell our bread.  The rest of us were left with our standard Saturday cleaning to-do list as well as shopping and errands list.  I got my cleaning jobs done as soon as I woke up, as everyone else was rousing so that I could get the errands done early.

I think I brought it upon myself, I could have left everybody at home with Hannah (16) to babysit... I'm not sure what induced me to bring everybody (7 siblings) with me in our 15-passenger van, but well, I did.   Off we went, a couple garage sales, Goodwill, library, thrift store, Chick-fil-a, Walmart...  I still had to go to Aldi, but by then, I was shot; done.  At Goodwill, the parking lot was so narrow that upon driving in and not finding any spots, I had to do a 50+ point turn to get out... Walmart is miserably busy on Saturdays... it was one of those days... Plus taking a bunch of little kids with you on errands can be exhausting, it's just the way it goes-- and for some odd reason they were in especially rare form that day.  So, even though Aldi was on the way home, I bypassed it, dropped the kids off at home with Hannah, turned around, and headed to Aldi.  By now, I was just itching to go back home, but I still had those last couple of items to get, and I was determined to get everything done.

I was still driving our 15-passenger van because it was the only available vehicle at the time anyway.

With John-David (12) in the passenger seat, I looked for a close spot to the entrance to Aldi-- normally, when driving an extra large vehicle, you should probably choose a somewhat obscure spot that's easy to get out of.  I knew this, but I ignored it because I was so tired, I just wanted to get in, out, and done.  Well, I learned the hard way to not ignore that in the future.  As I pulled into the spot I heard a slight, high screech.  John-David's eyes seemed to swell to three times their regular size as he looked at me.  I had scratched the car next to me with the bumper-- I was too close.

I finished pulling in and put the car in park.  I just covered my face with my hands.  AAAAAAAAH!  Can this day just be over already?  John-David went to look at it, "Oh, it's fine, it looks like some paint from our bumper came off on it.  Here, I'll go clean it off."  I breathed a sigh of relief and went to go help him.  But it didn't clean off-- it stayed there, because it wasn't paint-- it was actually the lack of paint on the bumper, a chip, accompanied by two white scratches.  They weren't major, in fact, they were almost unnoticeable, I could have just walked away, and nobody would have been the wiser.  But I couldn't do that.  I knew that I had damaged this person's car, and I had to pay for it.

I got back in the van and called Daddy.  He instructed me on the info that I needed to give the owner of the car once he/she got there, until then I would wait for them to come out.  When she got there, she was very gracious with me, took my info, and we parted ways.

I proceeded to lock up the van, not realizing that the keys were still in the ignition until I had gotten back with all of the groceries.  Blessedly, John-David still had a clear head on his shoulders (I just wanted to run home on my own two feet at that point) and remembered a "secret" way to get in.

Yes, I finally went home, and yes, the day actually ended.

The next day, I got a phone call from the car owner, "I decided that it's not that bad-- something I can live with-- I don't want your parents' insurance going up by making a claim... so don't worry about it."  Wow, I felt so blessed!  Daddy wanted to do something for the woman, because she had been so gracious, so I put him on the phone to talk to her.

Do you believe that God's power is made perfect in weakness?  Do you really?  I mean, I know that I had read it in my Bible a thousand times, my head knew it.  Now my heart knows it.  I mean, really knows it.  Really, really.

During the phone conversation between the car owner and my dad, the only thing that she requested was prayer.  For her adult daughter. Her spiritual state.  God had ordained everything.  My dad was in the middle of reading a book that pertained to the very specific topic that the car owner had expressed.  He offered to give it to her, and prayed with her right there on the spot.

A couple days later, we met the car owner at Starbucks, my dad had picked up a secondary copy of the book to give to the woman for her daughter.  "It's strange," she shrugged, "I was at the Christian bookstore the other day, I've been looking for something to read recently...  I couldn't find anything."

 Who knows how that woman and her daughter will be blessed and grown in their love for God through that seed of a book.

If I hadn't decided to bring everyone with me, if I hadn't had to make that 50+ point turn in the Goodwill parking lot, if Walmart hadn't been miserable, (etc, etc, etc) I wouldn't have been as tired and weak as to ignore the logical warnings in my head as to park in a reasonable spot.  I wouldn't have scratched the car, I wouldn't have spoken with the car owner, she never would have gotten that book, or the prayer offered on hers and her daughter's behalf.

 "And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' "

Is it hard for me to admit that I scratched somebody's car publicly?  Um, <bites lip> yeah.

BUT,  

"Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I have written on this topic before, but for some reason, I always tend to forget.  I fail to recognize that when things go wrong, when I feel weak, when I'm exhausted, when I feel like I can't go on, that's right when God rolls up His sleeves.  It's when I feel useless that God sees me as most useful.  When I am humble, not relying upon my own strength, it paves the way for God's glory to radiate the brightest through me.

Lord Jesus, forgive me for forgetting.  How Your plans never cease to amaze me.  That you could use a broken, frail vessel like me...

in my weakness

I will get to posting about the Guild- I really will!  This has just been something that has weighed so heavily on my heart that I feel I must share it- and share it now.  It should also be able to throw some light on last week so that you may understand my prolonged absence...


(As you read this, keep in mind that I had just returned from New York the prior Friday!) 

  On Tuesday afternoon I got a phone call from my mom, "Apparently Grandpa is in the ER... we're on our way to the hospital... they don't really know what happened but he just started feeling faint..."  My brain was on the verge of melting-  I didn't know what to do with myself as I was feeling a crazed sense of irony...  Are you serious??? was all my mind could conjure up that would constitute a full thought.

  At the moment that I had taken the phone call I was in a hotel an hour away from my home babysitting four children from our church whose father had gotten into a terrible car accident a full 24 hours prior.  During those 24 hours my family had been split into all different directions- my parents had rushed the wife to the hospital to be with her husband and my sister to their house to babysit the kids.  The kids were now in a hotel room because it made the nursing baby more accessible for feedings and I was watching them in place of my sister.

  I was so tired.  I felt so weak, so drained.  I wanted to go home!  I wanted my mom and dad back- I wanted my sisters- I wanted to tell everybody stories from the Guild....  I wanted to sleep.  I felt weak- so pathetically weak that I'm not sure

book review: Nathan's Story

Hello, my dear friends!  

I once again have the wonderful opportunity to share a lovely little children's book with you...

Name of book: Nathan's Story

Author:  Michael J. McHugh
Format:  Hard Cover
Ages: 1+
Overall Rating: 5 stars

 This book, Nathan's Story, is a sweet and simple to understand retelling of the story which the prophet Nathan came and told King David illustrating the error of the king's way.  The story of the rich man and his abundance of wealth- his fields of sheep, his grand house, and many servants- in contrast to the story of the poor man- a widower with his two little sons barely getting enough to eat- but whose delight was the little lamb that he and his sons cherished as a pet.  
 The opposite lives of the two men collide when the rich man is visited by a traveling friend and he wants to feed him a good meal- the problem is, he doesn't want the expense...


 The tale woven is one of greed and envy- but ultimately resulting in brokenness and redemption. 


The book is divided up into six short chapters, each with their own teaching guide- a type of devotional with scripture passages to think about concerning what was read.

-Worldview: Christian.

-Character Qualities: Contentment, Brokenness 

Final thoughts or comments:

  I was thrilled reading this book as I saw the sweet illustrations, the simple language, and the ratio of words to page- it was sheer brilliance!  As you all know, I have 8 younger siblings and have quite a frustration when the 3-year-old gets bored looking at the same illustration for 5 minutes as I'm trying to get through the second or third paragraph on the page! What a pleasant surprise to see that Mr. McHugh did a fabulous job capturing the perfect balance for those sweet little attention spans. 

  The devotionals in the back of the book are good and biblical- helping to reach into the Word and reveal what God says about the problems that arise for the characters in each chapter. My only apprehension with them is that they may be a bit tiresome for younger children- but definitely a blessed resource for children (and adults!) that can understand.

Click here to purchase!