too messy people

Messy people.  Messy people everywhere.

We talk about how God takes our messiness and by grace turns it into something beautiful.  He exchanges beauty for ashes, wholeness for brokenness.  Right?

In fact, it's hip to be messy right now.  So hip, that an artificial lens of 'socially acceptable' messiness covers our lives.

We talk about being 'real'.  We laugh and joke with each other about our little 'messes'.  Keyword: little.  The ones that we know nobody will judge us for.  The harmless imperfections.

Socially accepted messes.  In light of them, nobody wants to talk about their real messes.  They look way too real.  Scary close.

"If that is considered socially messy, there's no way I'll willingly bring this mess to light."

And if we're honest, we don't want to hear about the real messes.

Once somebody's true messiness begins to show through, we shrink back in horror.

She struggles with that?

He believes that?

She said that?

He did that?

She wants that?

He still does that?

The real struggles.  The ones that are actually hard to love. 

I hear about a mess.  A real mess.  A disgusting, deplorable mess that makes me angry.  It makes me rise up in righteous indignation, so I think.  I go on and on, judging.

Until I it hits me.  Fast, hard, and true.

Their mess is no better than mine.

There are no socially acceptable messes.

We all fail in the eyes of God.

We all need His relentless love.

They will know that we are Christians by our love for one another...until we find out just how messed up each of us really are.  Until we let each other down.  Until we fail each other.  Betray each other.  Hurt each other.  Until we see each others messiness...and shrink back in horror.

But it's just a mirror.

God looks at each of us and sees our messiness equally.  We all need grace.  We all need His mercy.

Oh, His amazing grace, unfathomable mercy, relentless love!

If He should give so much to each one of us, how dare we judge one another?

Daily, God sees just how messed up our hearts are.  Moment by moment we let Him down.  Barely a breath goes by before we fail Him again.  The number of times we've betrayed Him makes a thousand look small.  We hurt Him deeply with a single thought.

This is real messiness.

And yet, He still loves.

His hands still stretch out, willing to give us beauty for our deplorable ashes.

He is willing to turn this mess, this socially acceptable and unacceptable mess, into a beautiful mess.

And I have no excuse.

We have no excuse.

There should be no need for socially acceptable messes.  There should be no fear of sharing our real struggles with one another.  Heart burdens, flesh struggles, soul questions.  These things should never be shoved away.  Doubts, fears, hard questions.  These things should be brought to light.

Instead, because they are looked down upon, they fester in the darkness.  They grow.  They thrive hidden away. They loom over the life of their owner.  Sometimes they take over the heart, squeezing the life for every drop of faith.

My beloved readers, may we foster such a camaraderie within the church that this ceases to occur.  May we open our arms.  May we love the unlovable.  May we love so hard, our hearts break with fullness.  May we make burden sharing irresistible, that healing may begin.

May we support each other.  May we love each other in spite of betrayal.  In spite of hurt.  In spite of the past.  May we know each others weakness, because we know our own weakness.

May we forgive each other.  Extend the beauty that was given to us.

Love one another as Jesus does.

"By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." ~John 13:35

when i just want to do big things

What is the purpose of life?

What do I want to be known for?

What will people say about me when I die?

The profound, philosophical questions of life.  The ones that stop us in our tracks.  They cause us to second guess our next steps.  To look behind to find wisdom for what is ahead.

I find myself wrapped up in the culture screaming "BIG".

I want to do something BIG.  I want to be something BIG.  I want BIG accomplishments on my resume.  I want people to talk about all the BIG stuff I've done.  The BIG amounts that I spent on the good of the world.  Money, time, whatever.  

I just want to be BIG!

....and then I stop...

Why do I want to be big?

I argue: "Well, God is glorified when I do big stuff!  It makes people notice how big HE is!"

Then, a still *small* voice reminds me that...I don't need to remind people how big He is.  He's already big.  And people know it.  And He doesn't need me to prove it.

So why?  

It would seem to me, that my generation has been brought up on the idea to do big things for God.  To dream big, to pursue big, to work hard, to accomplish grandiose.

I found pride in this idea.  Listening to the S. M. Davis talk, "What to Expect from a 12-Year-Old" at the tender age of 12, I found myself cheering and whooping.  

It's about time people stopped underestimating us!  I'm gonna blow their minds.

I stoked my pride as I pushed and shoved and worked and read and studied and worked and read and...

Soon, I found myself lost.

I stood on the brink of adulthood, with no vision or dream.  But I wanted one so badly!  

What's wrong, Lord?  You know that if you give me a vision, nothing can stop me from getting it done!  Nothing!  Why haven't you given me a calling or a dream?  Why don't I have something big to work towards?  How do You expect me to change the world if You don't tell me what to do?

So I took it into my own hands.  I kept working and reading and studying.  Hoping the answers would come.  My pride kept driving me.  One day, I'll do something big and make God proud.

I failed to realize.

He's already proud of me.

I found myself standing face to face with what I felt was my boring, mundane life.

The one where I wake up every morning and put a load of laundry in before I start the coffee.

The one where my routine is that of learning how to roll with not having much of one.

The one where I go to work to smile at people and help them with their crafty needs.

The one where I read late into the night.  Or stay up late with my sisters, watching old TV shows, eating popcorn and sour gummy bears.

The one where I have unfinished craft projects every where...but the most important ones always get done.

The one where I love on my brothers and sisters, planting kisses on their foreheads and cheeks as we pass in the hall.

My life.  My simple, boring, mundane, beautiful life.

You see, my beloved reader, what I missed was the very essence of what I thought I was working so hard for from the beginning:

Grace.

By grace I have been saved.  By grace do I breathe.  By grace do I worship.  By grace do I live this life I've been given.

I am nothing.  If it weren't for Him.

It's only because of Him that I can even wake up in the morning, much less do anything!  

I stop, I bow my head.  My pride failing.

What makes me think that I am so worthy to do big things for Him?  What makes me think that I have anything to give Him?  Why do I think I deserve a place to do anything 'bigger' or 'better' than to live this seemingly boring life?

I don't.

Besides, who am I to determine what is small or big?  

My calling is to be faithful.  Stop looking for the big things.  To stop shoving.  To stop trying.

To wake up in the morning and smile as I pour soap into the washing machine.  Faithful.  This is where He has me.  This is my obedience.  This is my joy.

This is His glory manifested in me.

He doesn't need my help being glorified to the world.  

If He chooses to use me in the spotlight, doing 'big things, that's up to Him.  But if He wants me behind the scenes, cleaning everybody's laundry, cooking the meals, cleaning the bathrooms, it is still a position more worthy than I deserve.

Does this mean that we should stop dreaming of 'big' things?  That we should stop working towards doing grand things for His glory?

By no means!  But don't be discouraged if you don't have a dream right now.  Don't be sorry if you aren't making a 'big' impact on the world right now.  Don't be afraid that you're disappointing God by not doing something 'great'.

Be faithful in where He has you right now and leave the rest up to Him.

"He must increase, but I must decrease."
~John 3:30

the real meaning of 'carpe diem'

I write lists.

I make check boxes.

I schedule.

I watch the clock.

I squeeze every moment.

I fill the day.

And I look up at the end.  What have I done?  I am tired and dry.  My brain hurts.  My mind in knots.  I am useless by the time the sun sets.  I've filled my day with stuff.

I forget to breathe.

I'm folding laundry, I slow down and think.  Look down at the hand-towel in my hands.  I take a deep breath.  God gave that to me.  I smile and breathe again.  I look up and see life slow.  

This is a day.  This is an hour.  This is a moment.

This is a gift.  

I close my eyes and let it fill me.  Let it run over me as I contemplate the holiness, the beauty, the sacred grace of my heartbeat.  This 24 hour cycle in which we humans craft our lives, each one is new, a snapshot in the midst of eternity.  

Seize the day.  Live every day as it is your last.

I misunderstood and thought it meant to do all that you could in the day.

I thought it meant utilizing every moment for 'getting stuff done'.

I was blinded by the lie of rushing, scurrying to prove oneself as worthy through accomplishment.

When all it really meant was live.

Breathe.  

Touch.  Smell.  Taste.  See.  Hear.

The goodness of the Lord.  

Every day is a grace, not another assignment.

It is a gift to be cherished, not to be used up.

When the last comes and you look back...what will you remember?

I'm slowly learning to stop filling the day with my own ideas.

I'm learning to breathe.  And let the day fill me with its graces.  

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.  
//James 1:17//

the keeper

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

He who keeps you will not slumber... 

Psalm 121:1-2  

Sometimes I wonder where God is.  Those dry seasons come.  You know the ones: the dark, scary seasons.  The kind where you wonder if everything really is going to be okay.  Well?  Is it?

The words of this Psalm wash over my heart as I contemplate. 

"He who keeps you..."

The realization comes slowly and settles deep: He is my keeper.

He holds me in His hands.  

Through all the seasons.

Every dark season has to get through His glowing hands to get to me.

Every lonely time, it's in His heavenly embrace I'm walking through.

When I don't think it's going to turn out okay, He knows the end from the beginning.

He is my keeper.

No wonder I am commanded to rejoice always!  He is holding me, through everything.  Nothing can get through His hands without His permission.  No pain is unnecessary.  

And the best part: He loves me.

He loves me and protects me.  There is nothing I go through that He has not foreseen.  

There is no battle I face that He has not given me the strength to win.

There is no hurt that I can have that He can't heal.

There is no mountain I can't climb, because He will show me the way.

And keep my feet from stumbling.

He is my keeper.

And He loves me.

like stars

I find myself asking the age old question.  

The cliche word that seems to be married to a question mark, so often he finds himself with her.  

The one-word sentence that has it's own universal sign language.

A fist.  In the air.  Shaking.

"Why?"

Then the rest spills out.  

"Why did You let this happen?"

I can't help it.  My heart aches.  I wonder.  I hurt.  I look for the redemption and come up empty.

It's dark.  It's just so dark.

I grope.  I cry.  I flail.  

Until I see a pin hole of light.  Oh, that glorious light.  I cradle it in the darkness. 

Like the stars in the night sky that shine all the brighter for the backdrop of blackness behind them, so the simple blessings of my life are radiant against the backdrop of my pain.

The Lord is faithful, like He always is.  As He shows up, His glory shines, magnifies, multiplies against the inky blackness of this hurt.  I treasure the pinholes that He makes, by His grace alone, in this thick blanket of darkness over me.  

He could have left me here, struggling to survive.  It would have been well within His rights.

But He didn't.  

But He also didn't take the darkness away from me.  He didn't remove it all from me. 

Is this why I ask "why"?

I begin to understand; He knows better.  He knows my heart.

He knows I need the darkness to see the Light.  

"And its funny how you find

You enjoy your life

When you're happy to be alive"

~Relient K, High of 75 from the album Mmhmm

you're doing it wrong (again)

"I'm just terrible with relationships." 

I read the text.  I shake my head.  If they only knew.

What is the old adage?  If it weren't for people, we'd be perfect people?  Something like that.  The way it goes, as long as you have people in your life, you're bound to make mistakes in the way that you treat them.  

It's just wired into us, selfish, sinful humans.  We want to look good.  We want to feel good.  

So, in our relationships, we do what we can to manipulate to make things work out better for us.  

Most of the time, as Christians, we do this subconsciously.  We want our relationships to be Christ centered, we want to glorify God in our relationships!  But there's always that sinful flesh, pulling, yanking, dragging.  It screams, "ME!!!" It manipulates, even twists our best efforts--taking that with which we would glorify God, turning it around and making it into something that can benefit our flesh too.

Win-win, right?

You're doing it wrong.  Or at least I know I am.

Feels like everywhere I turn, every time I turn around, I'm doing it wrong.  Someone is telling me that I'm doing something else wrong.  I need to fix this in my relationship.  I need to not do that, but do this.  I need to avoid that, but make sure there's plenty of this.

I hang my head.  I'm just terrible at relationships.  Why can't I get it right?!

I could turn this into an article on relationships and how to always get it right.  But the truth is, we'll never always get it right.  We'll always be doing something wrong.  Because it's wired into us.  This flesh, until we die and are released from it, will always be fighting our sanctified spirit.

So what, then?  We just sit back and suffer as our relationships are continually strained, cloudy, confused?  

Of course not!  Take godly council and advice, pray hard, evaluate the relationship and your in it part biblically ad prayerfully--get back in the saddle and make it right! 

But be honest with yourself: it's not an instant forever fix.

The truth is, though we will never get it always right, God always uses the times we get it wrong for His glory.  The key is to not despair in the wrong; always remember that.  

Every time I get it wrong, He promises to use it to make something else right.

Most of the time, I don't see the right coming out of it for a long time.  I grow to despair, I get frustrated--why can't I ever get it right?  I'm just terrible with relationships!  

Then, down the road, I see another little girl, struggling...right where I was.  I put my arm around her and tell her it's all gonna be okay.  This what I did, and here's how God can make it better for you.

God uses our times of 'getting it wrong' to glorify Him in discipling those that come after us.  As He refines us, though it be painful, we use those painful experiences to deliver aid to those younger than us.  

He promises that all the experiences that we go through--those that love Him and are called by Him--that they WILL turn out for the greater good and for His glory.  

It's hard.  It's really hard.  It's painful.  It's messy.  It's ugly.

In those moments when I want to give up.  I feel worthless.  I feel frustrated.  I feel like I just can't do this anymore.

Then I get a phone call from a friend, or a text, or an email, "Amy, I've been dealing with..."

...and He whispers.  He guides.  He reassures.  My pain is not in vain.  My hurts aren't to be scoffed.  

My scars are badges.  Marks from the thorns of the paths that I've chosen myself, and chosen badly.  But I wear them because they are also reminders of all the times that He never left me.  I wear them because they're only scars.  Those paths should have killed me.  But I am alive and breathing--with scars on my arms.  Because in spite of my mistakes, He had grace on me and carried me through.

Relationships can be redeemed by the fact that, though in some we may make such mistakes, discipleship and love is worth every moment of pain.  Through the hurts we are stronger.  And being vulnerable means the world to those younger.  

When they look up and see a broken girl, who's made a million mistakes, they smile, relieved; they're not alone.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5 ESV)

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 ESV)

fearless

We all know it.

That deep, dark, paralyzing feeling.

That emotion that keeps us up at night.  

It has the power to twist our insides.  

To cause us to not be able to breathe.  

It moves us to physically shake.

This seemingly over-powerful emotion?

Fear.

We all know it, I far too well. 

Overthinker I am, I consider all possibilities for all situations...my fear kicks in, punching me in the stomach, knocking me to my knees with my hands in the air.  I'm too afraid to keep moving.  I'm too afraid to press on.  

Because so many things could go wrong.

If I stay right here, nothing can go wrong.

Nothing can hurt me.

If I take another step, there's a possibility I could trip.

But I forget the King of the Universe standing next to me.  And He's never left.

He's always there; constant in my walk.  On this journey, He's seen every stumble, every misstep, every fall.  But He's also watched me run.  And it's only because of Him that I have the strength to take the next step.  

He whispers to me, 

"'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'"  ~Isaiah 41:10

Again, He whispers, comforts, calls me to cast all my anxiety on Him.  He surrounds me on every side, commands me to be strong, for He is with me.  He knows me better than I know myself.

As my heart quivers, He whispers gently to let Him bear the burden of fear.  Do I trust Him?

Do I trust the King of the Universe to take my burdens?

I do I trust the Maker of all things to protect my steps?

Do I truly desire His glory?

And am I willing to lay my fear aside enough to relentlessly pursue it?

Because I believe that in His holy sovereignty, God will make good on His promises.  

He promises to always be with me.

He promises to help me.  (Imagine, the King of the Universe, reaching down to help me?)

He promises to love me.

He will never allow me to under go a single moment in time that is more than I can handle with Him by my side, helping and loving me.  

The King of Heaven is calling me forward.  

He calls me to be bold; to be fearless; to be His fierce daughter, who knows that her Daddy is standing there, never wishing her to under go any unnecessary pain.  

Never going to allow her to walk through anything that would crush her.  

Never allowing anything to destroy her.  

He calls her to trust Him and cling to Him for constant strength and she will not be moved.

My beloved readers, whatever fears may be staring you down today, I encourage you to face them head on.  Call them out for what they are: distractions from the Lord's glory.  The fears that keep us from moving forward for His glory; call them out, and cling to your Father's hand.

Trust in His sovereignty.  Be bold and take the next step.

10 powerful truths when your heart needs reminding

...for the days that you need a reminder, here are 10 powerful truths of the goodness of our Lord and Savior, and the weakness of ourselves:

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Do you have a favorite go-to quote or verse that reminds you of His grace?  I'd love to hear from you!  Feel free to share in the comments below.

when life doesn't go as planned

I love schedules.

I love efficiency.

I love planning.

Sometimes, the things I write on this blog--learning them are pure torture for me.

Grace?  Slow?  Quiet?

Yeah, most of the time, I forget...I lose focus...I don't get it.

I want everything planned.

Well, especially when it feels like everybody else's got it figured out.  I want to have it all figured out too!

So from childhood, I've had these plans.  These ideas as to how I think life is gonna go. 

"Sure, I'll grow up, and turn 18, then this will happen, and I'll do this, and this, and this..."

And I even fool myself into thinking...that my way is what will glorify God most.

So as I grow up.  I turn 18.  I turn 21.  Life comes.  

And it's not what I expected.  It's not what I had planned.  

But I can't do anything to change it.

And I even continue the foolery, thinking that if life had gone my way that God would have been glorified more than where I am right now.  Oh, the illusion.

Then I read about Joseph.  A promising boy, 17 years old...sold into slavery by his own brothers.

What about his plans?  What about those vital years of his youth?  He had a vision too!

But Joseph spent a combination of 13 years either in slavery or in prison.  

13.  Years.

156 months.
676 weeks.
4,745 days.
113,880 hours.
6,832,800 minutes.
409,968,000 seconds.

Wasted.

Or was it?

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive." ~Genesis 50:20

Joseph recognized that the change in plans in his life, though it was painful, though it was long, was used for the ultimate glory of God in a way that he could not have ever even imagined.  But the thing was, he had to wait.

And he had to be faithful where he was.

He never would have been so trusted by Pharaoh if he had not continued faithful devotion to the Lord, which enabled him to interpret Pharoah's dreams.  And if he had been a rowdy prisoner, or a slacker in his duties in Potiphar's household--would he have even stood a chance in standing before Pharaoh?  

Many, many years later, as he sits in prison, another faithful man pens these words, 

"Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel..." ~Philippians 1:12

The Apostle Paul knew that God's glory was beyond him.  It was beyond his plans, beyond anything that he could ever comprehend.  

So as he sat in jail, he could have been thinking, "I could be talking to so many people about Jesus right now...I could be so much more effective if I wasn't in prison!"

No.  He embraces it, and realizes that God's plan is for His own glory.  God never compromises on His glory.  

Where He has you and me right now is the very best place in the universe that we can ever be used for His glory.  He knows the beginning and the end.  It's His job to guide us to where we can glorify Him most.

Ours is to follow His lead.  And when we're sitting in prison.  Or stuck in one place.  Or working a job we feel stagnant in.  Or feel like we're spinning our wheels on relationships.

Wherever we are, to be faithful and continue seeking His face.

To trust that where we are right now is the absolute perfect place.

The place that we can bring Him the most glory out of all the places in the universe.

Because it's where He has us.  Today.  Right now.

10 songs for the weary heart

Music has a way of speaking to the heart when words fail.

Why is it that music has such a powerful impact on one's mind and soul?  I find that a song can be playing in the background, and the words and ideas about the words will fill my mind--even though I am not even really *trying* to listen to the song!

Deeply rooted from our longing to join in the heavenly, eternal song of "Holy, holy, holy..." I believe that God has given us the gift of music here on earth to give us a tiny glimpse of the beautiful gift that reigns over all of heaven.  The gift of song...the art, the worship.

Today, I have 10 of my favorite songs to share with you for when your heart is feeling worn and weary.

10 songs to lift you up, to remind you of the goodness of God, the power of God, and His overwhelming love.

10 songs, prayers, cries out to the Lord...to remind us that we're not alone.

1. Never Alone, by BarlowGirl

"I cried out with no reply

And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone..."

2. Broken Hallelujah, by The Afters

"I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah."

3. Hold Me, Jesus, by Rich Mullins

"Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all

When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace"

4. Promises, by Sanctus Real

"Sometimes it's hard to keep believing in what you can't see

That everything happens for a reason even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer and you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages, let His Word be your strength..."

5. Lord, I Need You, by Chris Tomlin

"Lord, I come, I confess

Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You..."

6. For the Moments I Feel Faint, by Relient K

"Never underestimate my Jesus

You're tellin' me that there's no hope
I'm tellin' you, you're wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong..."

7. Never Left Your Side, by Stellar Kart

"So you feel another midnight on the way

Can’t see the road ahead
Though you’re wide awake
All the voices in your head begin to say
You’re alone, you’re alone

The sun’s still shining through the night
The stars still burn in the daylight
Sometimes you just can’t trust your eyes
I never left your side..."

8. 5 Minutes at a Time, Superchick

"Life is hard, but it's been a little harder than usual lately

I wish I knew why I am struggling through this
What makes it harder is the lack of understanding on my part
Could I have changed this, why am I fighting life so hard?"

9. It's Not Over Yet, by for King and Country

"They are inside your head

You got a voice that says
You won't get past this one
You won't win your freedom

It's like a constant war
And you want to settle that score
But you're bruised and beaten
And you feel defeated

This goes out to the heaviest heart..."

10. Still That Girl, by Britt Nicole

"Dreams, they come

Plans, they change
Yea, we're gonna break
Yea, we're gonna break
Things we face make us who we are
Baby, you're a star shining in the dark
Let's go back to the summer, summer when
We dreamed in love, let's go back again
Let's go back again
Yeah, back again, my friend..."

What songs speak to your heart and lift you up?  I'd love to hear!