trust issues

I will admit it.

I have trust issues.

I did not always.  I was always the naive one.  The one that you could get to believe pretty much just about everything.  Because I trusted you.  I did not see any reason to not to--why would you lie to me?

I was the wide-eyed girl that believed everything she was told.

She never wanted to think badly of anybody.

She was the one that fiercely defended her friends when accused.

She was the loyal one.

I'm talking fierce.  I loved hard.  All in.  All or nothing.

But then, this little girl learned a hard lesson.

She put so much trust in people...she believed in those that she loved and those that loved her.

And then....

They failed her.

Friends betray.  Family lets down.  People change.  Hearts are fickle.

And the little girl crumbled.  Because she trusted them with her heart.  She let them in, she gave it over, all in.  And they crushed.  They broke.  They betrayed.  They....

...were human.

Innately, we all have the desire to be held firm.  Our hearts yearn to be cradled in the cleft of the rock.  We all want to trust...in something.  We all want to find our worth...in something.  We all want to find purpose...in something.

Something tends to take many forms.  People.  Drugs.  Sex.  Career.  Money.  Hobbies...the list could go on.

So we search.  We try.  We fall.  We break.  And we quickly find...

...that we are let down at every turn.

That nothing is unshakable.  That nobody is perfect.

And so we get trust issues.  

Was that the intent of the Designer when He wired us with that desire of being held firm?  That we would all become broken, bloody, bruised people?  Bitter and resentful of life, ready for betrayal and heart break at every turn?

He whispers over us in His Word,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart..." (Prov. 3:5)

And the verse has new life to me.  In my journey to find worth, in my quest for purpose, I trusted the world with all of my heart.  I gave my heart to my family and friends, never fearing.  Until I was broken.

Now I am bloody and bruised.  All I have left are pieces of this heart.  And I find myself clutching them close.  Holding them far from anyone and anything that could ever again break them.  

But in the process, I grow weary.  I grow hungry.  There is a longing in my chest that I can no longer deny.

And He keeps whispering.  He is relentless.  He pursues me.  He chases me.

Whispers sweetness to my heart, beckoning the bloody pieces to find their rightful home:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart..."

And I surrender.  Hold out my hands and offer what is left of the tattered shreds of what once was so strong.  The fearless heart, limp and torn.

And I offer it up, my last act of trust.  Giving it over.  All of it.  Every shred.

He holds it in His hands, and closes it fast.  And I can feel...that this was the final place.

Because now, every hurt, every betrayal, every pain has to find its way through His hands.  

Does that mean that they won't ever happen?  No!  But that every one of them is purposeful--He will not allow me to undergo unnecessary pain.  

By surrendering my heart to Him, I give Him my everything for His greater purpose: for His glory.

Sometimes my pain is necessary for His glory.  But then, sometimes His glory is found in my joy.  

But ultimately, His glory is found in my satisfaction in Him.

Which means, that even through pain, even through trials, even through the darkest night, because I have trusted Him with my heart, I have an everlasting Rock.  

His promises stand firm forever; they never change.  He will never take them back.

I know that He lives, I know that He stands firm forevermore.  I know that He will never betray me.  I know that He will never change.

I know that He reigns sovereign.  My desire is filled.  I am cradled in the cleft of the rock.

Storms may come.  Pain may overtake me.  People may betray me.

But it doesn't matter.  My God holds my heart.  

Wherever He calls me, I will go.

Where He holds me, I will stay.

I can hold tight to His promises: He will never leave me nor forsake me. 

Indeed, I'm thankful for my trust issues.  They have driven me harder to my knees, closer, stronger to Jesus, and taught me more of what it means to trust in the Lord with all my heart...