in His lap

Life has been...normal, I guess.  Just not the normal that I expected.  Which, I suppose is normal...for life to be unexpected.  Unpredictable.  Crazy.  Too fast.  Unplanned.  Normal.

Things have been happening too fast, too much at one time.  Relationships have been sticky, my family has been suffering illness, we recently had to put down our dog of 12 years, we went on a trip a couple of weeks ago and came back with the flu, I felt called to leave a job very near to my heart, I found out about the death of a childhood friend... And if this doesn't sound crazy enough, that isn't all--I have actually left out a lot for privacy reasons, but I'm pretty sure this gives you a pretty good idea.

Yep, normal couple of weeks. Not really.  I mean, my life is usually crazy, but not this crazy.

Being that I had the flu a week ago, I also had a conference scheduled that I was supposed to work at this past weekend.  Over those 3-4 days, I did everything I could to cheat the illness.  I downed the garlic, vitamin C, echinacea, I did EVERYTHING!  I wanted to do this conference!  I had been scheduled to do it, and looking forward to it for MONTHS!

The day before I was supposed to leave, I was up and around, testing my body's strength.  On my feet all day doing laundry, everything.  I can DO this!  I was GOING.  That night I went to bed.  I had to get up at 3am to leave for my 5:15am flight.  But I couldn't sleep.  And I wasn't feeling well.  1:45am came, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this.  I was pushing myself too hard, and it could end up detrimental to my body, and those working with me at the conference if they had to pick up my pieces while I was sick away from home.  I sent an email admitting my weakness, and that I wasn't going to be able to make it.

So great was my disappointment, I felt terrible.  I slept practically all day.  My body was exhausted from my pushing...and my spirit was sad, unmotivated.

Even now, I feel the effects of the past couple of weeks weighing heavily.  Just everything, making my body emotionally and physically exhausted.

These are the times that Jesus has taught me that awkward, ironic feeling of resting in Him.

It's a strange feeling.  It's like I still feel all the chaos.  I feel the hurt.  I feel the disappointment.  I feel the frustration.  I still feel everything.  But there's something else.

I feel in the very deep recesses of my soul His rest. 

It's like a young child with a scraped up knee coming and crawling into the lap of a parent.  The child will still bleed.  Still hurt.  But she feels the arms of her parent around her and knows she's going to be okay.

It's the same with Jesus.  His rest does not mean that I won't feel pain. Hurt.  Disappointment.  Sadness.  It doesn't mean that I'll be immune to chaos.  Stress.  Strain.

But He does promise that He won't ever leave me, or forsake me.  He does promise me peace in the midst of it all.  He does promise abundant life.  He does promise Himself.  Rest.  Peace.

That strange yet beautiful feeling that He's got this.

Am I willing to let go of what I think I can control long enough to crawl into His lap and let Him hold me?  Let Him breath His words of peace into my heart:

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

~John 14:27