What do I want to be known for?
What will people say about me when I die?
The profound, philosophical questions of life. The ones that stop us in our tracks. They cause us to second guess our next steps. To look behind to find wisdom for what is ahead.
I find myself wrapped up in the culture screaming "BIG".
I want to do something BIG. I want to be something BIG. I want BIG accomplishments on my resume. I want people to talk about all the BIG stuff I've done. The BIG amounts that I spent on the good of the world. Money, time, whatever.
I just want to be BIG!
....and then I stop...
Why do I want to be big?
I argue: "Well, God is glorified when I do big stuff! It makes people notice how big HE is!"
Then, a still *small* voice reminds me that...I don't need to remind people how big He is. He's already big. And people know it. And He doesn't need me to prove it.
So why?
It would seem to me, that my generation has been brought up on the idea to do big things for God. To dream big, to pursue big, to work hard, to accomplish grandiose.
I found pride in this idea. Listening to the S. M. Davis talk, "What to Expect from a 12-Year-Old" at the tender age of 12, I found myself cheering and whooping.
It's about time people stopped underestimating us! I'm gonna blow their minds.
I stoked my pride as I pushed and shoved and worked and read and studied and worked and read and...
Soon, I found myself lost.
I stood on the brink of adulthood, with no vision or dream. But I wanted one so badly!
What's wrong, Lord? You know that if you give me a vision, nothing can stop me from getting it done! Nothing! Why haven't you given me a calling or a dream? Why don't I have something big to work towards? How do You expect me to change the world if You don't tell me what to do?
So I took it into my own hands. I kept working and reading and studying. Hoping the answers would come. My pride kept driving me. One day, I'll do something big and make God proud.
I failed to realize.
He's already proud of me.
I found myself standing face to face with what I felt was my boring, mundane life.
The one where I wake up every morning and put a load of laundry in before I start the coffee.
The one where my routine is that of learning how to roll with not having much of one.
The one where I go to work to smile at people and help them with their crafty needs.
The one where I read late into the night. Or stay up late with my sisters, watching old TV shows, eating popcorn and sour gummy bears.
The one where I have unfinished craft projects every where...but the most important ones always get done.
The one where I love on my brothers and sisters, planting kisses on their foreheads and cheeks as we pass in the hall.
My life. My simple, boring, mundane, beautiful life.
You see, my beloved reader, what I missed was the very essence of what I thought I was working so hard for from the beginning:
Grace.
By grace I have been saved. By grace do I breathe. By grace do I worship. By grace do I live this life I've been given.
I am nothing. If it weren't for Him.
It's only because of Him that I can even wake up in the morning, much less do anything!
I stop, I bow my head. My pride failing.
What makes me think that I am so worthy to do big things for Him? What makes me think that I have anything to give Him? Why do I think I deserve a place to do anything 'bigger' or 'better' than to live this seemingly boring life?
I don't.
Besides, who am I to determine what is small or big?
My calling is to be faithful. Stop looking for the big things. To stop shoving. To stop trying.
To wake up in the morning and smile as I pour soap into the washing machine. Faithful. This is where He has me. This is my obedience. This is my joy.
This is His glory manifested in me.
He doesn't need my help being glorified to the world.
If He chooses to use me in the spotlight, doing 'big things, that's up to Him. But if He wants me behind the scenes, cleaning everybody's laundry, cooking the meals, cleaning the bathrooms, it is still a position more worthy than I deserve.
Does this mean that we should stop dreaming of 'big' things? That we should stop working towards doing grand things for His glory?
By no means! But don't be discouraged if you don't have a dream right now. Don't be sorry if you aren't making a 'big' impact on the world right now. Don't be afraid that you're disappointing God by not doing something 'great'.
Be faithful in where He has you right now and leave the rest up to Him.
"He must increase, but I must decrease."
~John 3:30
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